I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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