He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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