My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
