I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
