The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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