Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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