I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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