This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Girls should come with a carfax report
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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