The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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