Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
