Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
