Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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