So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
