The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sext me about skeletons
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
