It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
