by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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