Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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