My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
