I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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