Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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