Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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