Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
