i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
