Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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