you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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