At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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