Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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