i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
