my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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