Cold hands, warm shart.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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