So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
