I molested 6 butterflies tonight
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
