Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
