just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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