Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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