You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
