He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
