If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
