I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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