someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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