Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
