im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
