she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
