so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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