you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
