Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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