I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
