i permit you to call me
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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