when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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