My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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