Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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