I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
