she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
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Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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