Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If I die, sorry about rent.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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