I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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