I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
