The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
false alarm. still invincible.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
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How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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