when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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