I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
