Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
