I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
