I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
