it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
don't judge my taste in strippers
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
